WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
Thursday, January 30, 2014
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an...
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, "No" he replies. "I'm just the manager." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into
his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,
"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes,
there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, "No" he replies. "I'm just the manager." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into
his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,
"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes,
there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a WOMAN's...
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a WOMAN's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel,see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the MALE addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel,see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the MALE addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
I said to my husband that I was no longer going to do the...
Three women meet at a Women liberation Seminar, One Australian, One American, One English. Two weeks after the Seminar
they met and had coffee, the American woman say's " when I got home I told my husband that I was no longer doing the
washing all the time. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything but on the third
day I noticed my husband starting to help out with the washing.
The English woman said " Wow I did the same thing, I said to my husband that I was no longer going to do the ironing all
by myself, on the fist day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he got
the ironing board out and started ironing"
The Australian woman said " Well when I got home I said to my husband that I was not going to do the cooking all the time and on the first day I didn't see anything and on the second day I didn't see anything but on the third day I could just start to see out of my left eye. !!!!
they met and had coffee, the American woman say's " when I got home I told my husband that I was no longer doing the
washing all the time. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything but on the third
day I noticed my husband starting to help out with the washing.
The English woman said " Wow I did the same thing, I said to my husband that I was no longer going to do the ironing all
by myself, on the fist day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he got
the ironing board out and started ironing"
The Australian woman said " Well when I got home I said to my husband that I was not going to do the cooking all the time and on the first day I didn't see anything and on the second day I didn't see anything but on the third day I could just start to see out of my left eye. !!!!
Why did God give men penises? because..
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
If you want your breasts to grow, then rub a piece of toilet paper in....
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now
she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between
her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow
over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
George & Aggie were in Boston for the first time to visit...
George & Aggie were in Boston for the first time to visit their
son and family. As they reached the front door of the terminal
they hail a taxi , and got in. As they headed for the city the
driver, making some small talk, asks them where they are from?
Aggie asks George "WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?".
The old skipper leans over and yells in her ear,"HE ASKED WHERE
WE'RE FROM!". Then the old skipper says to the driver "We're
from Stephenville".
"Oh" says the driver,"I was stationed there when I was in the airforce".
Again Aggie pipes up "WHATS THE FELLA SAYING NOW GEORGE..WHAT'D
HE SAY".
"HE SAYS HE'S BEEN THERE".
"I see" says Aggie.
They drive along in silence for a while when the driver
says,"You know I went with a girl when I was there, and she was
the meanest most disagreeable Whore I ever hooked up with".
"WHATS HE SAYING NOW GEORGE ..I CAN'T HEAR HIM'.
The old skipper yells back,"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA".
son and family. As they reached the front door of the terminal
they hail a taxi , and got in. As they headed for the city the
driver, making some small talk, asks them where they are from?
Aggie asks George "WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?".
The old skipper leans over and yells in her ear,"HE ASKED WHERE
WE'RE FROM!". Then the old skipper says to the driver "We're
from Stephenville".
"Oh" says the driver,"I was stationed there when I was in the airforce".
Again Aggie pipes up "WHATS THE FELLA SAYING NOW GEORGE..WHAT'D
HE SAY".
"HE SAYS HE'S BEEN THERE".
"I see" says Aggie.
They drive along in silence for a while when the driver
says,"You know I went with a girl when I was there, and she was
the meanest most disagreeable Whore I ever hooked up with".
"WHATS HE SAYING NOW GEORGE ..I CAN'T HEAR HIM'.
The old skipper yells back,"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA".
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the age, flings her
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti
straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let
one of the straps of her dress slips down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
age, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and
gleefully rubbing his hands together says:
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti
straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let
one of the straps of her dress slips down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
age, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and
gleefully rubbing his hands together says:
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
Letter from wife to husband(reply)
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
A letter TO MY DEAR WIFE:
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.
late that night he goes into the girls room and they fuck til dawn when...
there was a 25 yr old guy and he was on a camping trip with his buddies.
well they decided to have a little fun with him and when he left to pee,
they took all the camping equipment and moved to another site.
well this guy is lost and he stumbles upon an old looking house. He knocks on the
door and a really old chinese man answers. The camper ask if he could stay there a night and
the Chinese guy say sure but there is only one rule. That he could not have any sexual contact
with his daughter and if he did, the three Chinese curses would be bestowed upon him.The guy
agrees because the chinese man looked so old he figured the woman would ne old, wrinkly, and
ugly. well when it came time for dinner he finally sees the daughter walkin down the stairs. he is
breathless because she is so stunningly young and beautiful. all throughout dinner she is
showing signs of interest and when finally came time to go to bed he could not stand it.
late that night he goes into the girls room and they fuck til dawn when he leaves to his own room
to get some rest. when the guy wakes up he sees a big rock on his chest with a note saying CHINESE
CURSE #1 BIG ROCK ON CHEST he is not too frightned so he heaves the rock out the window.
then on the other side of the rock he sees another note that says CHINESE CURSE #2 RIGHT
TESTICLE GLUED TO ROCK the man thinking quickly decides to jump thinking a couple broken
bones would be better than one testicle smashed. halfway in midair he looks back and sees last
note CHINESE CURSE #3 LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST
well they decided to have a little fun with him and when he left to pee,
they took all the camping equipment and moved to another site.
well this guy is lost and he stumbles upon an old looking house. He knocks on the
door and a really old chinese man answers. The camper ask if he could stay there a night and
the Chinese guy say sure but there is only one rule. That he could not have any sexual contact
with his daughter and if he did, the three Chinese curses would be bestowed upon him.The guy
agrees because the chinese man looked so old he figured the woman would ne old, wrinkly, and
ugly. well when it came time for dinner he finally sees the daughter walkin down the stairs. he is
breathless because she is so stunningly young and beautiful. all throughout dinner she is
showing signs of interest and when finally came time to go to bed he could not stand it.
late that night he goes into the girls room and they fuck til dawn when he leaves to his own room
to get some rest. when the guy wakes up he sees a big rock on his chest with a note saying CHINESE
CURSE #1 BIG ROCK ON CHEST he is not too frightned so he heaves the rock out the window.
then on the other side of the rock he sees another note that says CHINESE CURSE #2 RIGHT
TESTICLE GLUED TO ROCK the man thinking quickly decides to jump thinking a couple broken
bones would be better than one testicle smashed. halfway in midair he looks back and sees last
note CHINESE CURSE #3 LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST
The next day the boy heard the older boys say fuck. When he...
At recess one day, a first grader heard some older boys say the word shit.
When he got home he asked his mom what "shit" meant at the dinner table.
His mom panicked and told him it was another name for food. The next day the boy heard the
older boys say the word bitch. When he got home he asked his mom what the word "bitch"
meant while she was watching priest give a sermon on T.V. She panicked again and told him it
was another name for a priest. The next day the boy heard the older boys say fuck.
When he got home he asked his mom what the word "fuck" meant while she was changing his
baby brother's diaper. She panicked once again and told him it meant to change a baby's diaper.
A week later his mother invited their priest over for dinner, when the doorbell rang and the boy
answered he said, "What's up bitch, the shit is on the table and mom is upstairs fucking the
baby."
When he got home he asked his mom what "shit" meant at the dinner table.
His mom panicked and told him it was another name for food. The next day the boy heard the
older boys say the word bitch. When he got home he asked his mom what the word "bitch"
meant while she was watching priest give a sermon on T.V. She panicked again and told him it
was another name for a priest. The next day the boy heard the older boys say fuck.
When he got home he asked his mom what the word "fuck" meant while she was changing his
baby brother's diaper. She panicked once again and told him it meant to change a baby's diaper.
A week later his mother invited their priest over for dinner, when the doorbell rang and the boy
answered he said, "What's up bitch, the shit is on the table and mom is upstairs fucking the
baby."
Monday, January 27, 2014
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is...
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a
car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven.
She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"
He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions
of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would
turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back
and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"
St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man
commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's
in God's office, he uses it for a fan."
imagine a father asking his daughter for a blowjob, and she...
There was this teenage girl who wanted to go out to see her boyfriend. She was only 15,
and she asked her father if she could go out for the evening. "I'm sorry," Said her father,
"it's a weekday evening and you've got school tomorrow. I can't let you go out this evening.
" The girl REALlY wanted to go go out that evening as she knew her boyfriend had a
special night planned for them. So she said "Dad, I'm only asking this one evening. Please?"
"No, sorry." "Dad, I'll do ANYTHING if you let me go out tonight.
For example how about if I do all the housework for a month?" Her father replied,
"Well, how about if you just suck my cock? I'll let you go out then."
The girl did want to go out ever so much, so she said "okay then...let's get it over with."
Her father dropped his trousers and pulled out his dick.
The girl got down on her knees and put it into her mouth. "OH YUCK!" she cried. "This tastes shit!"
"I know," said her father. "Your brother just borrowed the car..."
and she asked her father if she could go out for the evening. "I'm sorry," Said her father,
"it's a weekday evening and you've got school tomorrow. I can't let you go out this evening.
" The girl REALlY wanted to go go out that evening as she knew her boyfriend had a
special night planned for them. So she said "Dad, I'm only asking this one evening. Please?"
"No, sorry." "Dad, I'll do ANYTHING if you let me go out tonight.
For example how about if I do all the housework for a month?" Her father replied,
"Well, how about if you just suck my cock? I'll let you go out then."
The girl did want to go out ever so much, so she said "okay then...let's get it over with."
Her father dropped his trousers and pulled out his dick.
The girl got down on her knees and put it into her mouth. "OH YUCK!" she cried. "This tastes shit!"
"I know," said her father. "Your brother just borrowed the car..."
Little Johnny was watching his siter Having sex, this is what he learnt from it...
"How they killed the Texas Eel" Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy should be.
He had been hearing a lot about courting from other boys so he asked his mother how it was done.
She told him to hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her boyfriend.
So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least his version). "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked
awhile, then turned out all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her, and for some reason he
put his hand inside her blouse. She started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt, when he did
this she began to moan and sigh. Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was lying
down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel.
I don't know what it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it in his hands so it wouldn't
get away. Sis tried to help him, so she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and stuck this eel
between her legs and got a good scissors hold on it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from
moving. The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her boyfriend nearly up set the couch.
For a minute there I thought the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it was slipping out
and stuck it back in. Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they let the eel move but it
didn't. It tried to get away but her boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there limber as a hot
water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and i swear to god the damn thing came back to life again, so the battle started
again. Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they really killed the eel. I saw her
boyfriend pull its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
He had been hearing a lot about courting from other boys so he asked his mother how it was done.
She told him to hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her boyfriend.
So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least his version). "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked
awhile, then turned out all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her, and for some reason he
put his hand inside her blouse. She started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt, when he did
this she began to moan and sigh. Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was lying
down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel.
I don't know what it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it in his hands so it wouldn't
get away. Sis tried to help him, so she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and stuck this eel
between her legs and got a good scissors hold on it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from
moving. The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her boyfriend nearly up set the couch.
For a minute there I thought the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it was slipping out
and stuck it back in. Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they let the eel move but it
didn't. It tried to get away but her boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there limber as a hot
water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and i swear to god the damn thing came back to life again, so the battle started
again. Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they really killed the eel. I saw her
boyfriend pull its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
The Frog and the Psychic Hotline
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to
meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed ...
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio.
" "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes.
" He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio.
" "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes.
" He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
There are Three kinds of breasts and 3 kinds of Ds...The first is....
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised,
answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties,
a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties,
they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and
daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties,
his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,
it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree
" "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised,
answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties,
a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties,
they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and
daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties,
his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,
it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree
" "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a
vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman
next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several
pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old
daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your
co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than
you do!
If you lie to a child about sex, this is what you get....
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they
saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says,
"Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies,
"Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little
girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are
doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were
making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks,
"How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says,
"Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies,
"Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little
girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are
doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were
making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks,
"How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab my dick and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up
chicks!
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab my dick and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up
chicks!
An Italian man who could'nt understand English much went to Toronto and...
The Italian
One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two
pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.
I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on
plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma
ma b*tch.
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana
tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring
me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on
table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not
even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.
So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So,
I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not
sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me
sonna ma b*tch!
I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say
peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!
One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two
pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.
I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on
plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma
ma b*tch.
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana
tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring
me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on
table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not
even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.
So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So,
I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not
sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me
sonna ma b*tch!
I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say
peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!
this man mistakenly had sex with his mother, this is what happened..
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself,
"what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes,
her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards,
the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there,
the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed,
"What are you doing in here?!?" She said,
"Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when...
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks
away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says
the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better
looking." says the wife.
an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks
away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says
the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better
looking." says the wife.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
After sex with the prostitute, the prostitute said....
Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen.
While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her.
Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200."
The prostitute responded: "You're so kind." Some days pass, and the guy met up
with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100,
but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex.
The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200.
The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow."
The prostitute says: "I am from there too." The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."
While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her.
Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200."
The prostitute responded: "You're so kind." Some days pass, and the guy met up
with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100,
but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex.
The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200.
The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow."
The prostitute says: "I am from there too." The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."
Once there was this little kid named deeper he told his teacher to go with him...
Once there was this little kid named deeper he told his teacher to go with him to his house
she said ok he took her into his room and said take off your shirt and the teacher said no
he said if u don't ill tell my mom amd my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal
and you'll get fired so she took off her shirt cause she didn't want to get fired and he said take
off your pants she said no if u don't ill tell my mom and my mom will tell my dad and my dad
will tell the principal and you'll get fired so she said ok then he said take off your bra the teacher
said no so he said ill tell my mom and my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal
and you'll get fired so she said ok then he said take off your underwear she said no so he said ill
tell my mom and my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal and you'll get fired so
she said ok then they got on the bed and started to have sex so his mom comes looking for him
and calls his name deeper deeper and he says i'm tryin mama i'm tryin.
she said ok he took her into his room and said take off your shirt and the teacher said no
he said if u don't ill tell my mom amd my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal
and you'll get fired so she took off her shirt cause she didn't want to get fired and he said take
off your pants she said no if u don't ill tell my mom and my mom will tell my dad and my dad
will tell the principal and you'll get fired so she said ok then he said take off your bra the teacher
said no so he said ill tell my mom and my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal
and you'll get fired so she said ok then he said take off your underwear she said no so he said ill
tell my mom and my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal and you'll get fired so
she said ok then they got on the bed and started to have sex so his mom comes looking for him
and calls his name deeper deeper and he says i'm tryin mama i'm tryin.
A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative...
A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative.
This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as
to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very
embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to
the parrot, "That's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the
future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you
will be sent to the zoo."
Two days later, the couple was preparing for a short trip, and as
usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll
get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."
After a bit, the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you
see if you can get it."
This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what,
let's both get on top and bounce up and down. That'll get it."
With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no
zoo, this I have got to see."
This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as
to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very
embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to
the parrot, "That's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the
future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you
will be sent to the zoo."
Two days later, the couple was preparing for a short trip, and as
usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll
get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."
After a bit, the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you
see if you can get it."
This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what,
let's both get on top and bounce up and down. That'll get it."
With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no
zoo, this I have got to see."
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her..
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. ...
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The
owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.
She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird
and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room,
then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from
school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began
to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The
owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.
She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird
and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room,
then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from
school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began
to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in....
A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in
the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit
suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from
the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and
happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so
happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a
minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel
itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit
suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from
the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and
happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so
happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a
minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel
itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my....
The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"
The Wrestling Event, Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the...
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It
is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he
has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does,
you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and
the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.
All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the
crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose,
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"
Friday, January 24, 2014
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for ..
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for
a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My
parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol
got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents'
bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped
his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or
should I just use a paper towel?"
They Grow Them Big In Texas
A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city"
outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young
woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm
from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can
do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted
his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four
inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor,
ma'am?"
meet the guy that mistakenly slept with a lion
In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was
Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across
a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to
pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test.
The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside
the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said
to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with
a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a
woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American
went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the
bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion
and roaring. No one emerged from the cave
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle.
He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion,
and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last
cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the
thorn in the woman's foot?"
Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across
a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to
pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test.
The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside
the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said
to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with
a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a
woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American
went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the
bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion
and roaring. No one emerged from the cave
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle.
He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion,
and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last
cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the
thorn in the woman's foot?"
there are Three Kinds of Bras namely; the SALVATION type, the CATHOLIC type and.....
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three
types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'
The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and
the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Three mice were at a bar having drink and talking about how...
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they
are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell
you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar
and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa
there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?
When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's
cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his
shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he
has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the
door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where
are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get
home to screw the cat."
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women[Learn from this]
10. I think of you as a brother... (You remind me of that inbred
banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages... (I don't want to do my
dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way... (You are the ugliest dork
I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now... (I don't want you spending
the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend... (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of
Ben and Jerry's)..
5. I don't date men where I work... (I wouldn't date you if you were
in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me... (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career... (Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate... (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really
means)
1. Let's be friends... (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
There were 3 men in a bar. One was Italion....
There were 3 men in a bar. One was Italion, one was French, and one was English.
They began talking, and the Italion man boasted that he had made love to his wife
2 times last night, and that she had called him a fantastic lover in the morning.
The French man scoffed at this. He claimed he had made love to his wife 14 times
last night, and that she had said he was a wonderful husband in the morning.
They both turned and asked the Englishman about his experiance last night.
He said he had made love to his wife just once. The other men asked what she
had said in the morning. The English man replied "Don't stop."
They began talking, and the Italion man boasted that he had made love to his wife
2 times last night, and that she had called him a fantastic lover in the morning.
The French man scoffed at this. He claimed he had made love to his wife 14 times
last night, and that she had said he was a wonderful husband in the morning.
They both turned and asked the Englishman about his experiance last night.
He said he had made love to his wife just once. The other men asked what she
had said in the morning. The English man replied "Don't stop."
Two cannibals were hungry so they decided to go....
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to
go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the
jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh
dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to
even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The
son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the
fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous
woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that
one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your
mother."
Unlucky Two dwarfs
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At
the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"
Everyone went Up Penny Lane(a class hoe)
One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test,
and she noticed that four pupils were missing.
The first one came in.
"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.
"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the second pupil came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the third one came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in
.
"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"
"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"
Father realised that him and his son have been having sex with his maid and...
A man called his doctor and this is the conversation:
"Doc, I think my son has STD," a patient told his urologist on the
phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get
him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms
he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the
doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."
"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
"Doc, I think my son has STD," a patient told his urologist on the
phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get
him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms
he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the
doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."
"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
Bill Gates In Hell
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So ,Bill takes a look at hell and sees these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So ,Bill takes a look at hell and sees these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
How to locate the G-spot(A must read)
This post is not the same recycled material you have probably read about the G-spot, the clitoris, and female orgasm. you will learn a concise yet comprehensive overview of female anatomy, explain some techniques you have probably not encountered, provide a few warnings, and provide you with quality resources for further study.
A BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FEMALE ANATOMY
The Anterior Fornix is an important area of female anatomy that you probably have not heard of until now. The few sex educators that teach the importance of this area call it by other names: the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone (or AFE Zone), the A-Spot, the T-Zone, or the Deep Spot. To see where it is located, please take a few moments to review the diagram below.
As shown above, the Anterior Fornix is located directly in front of where the cervix protrudes into the vagina. Also note that the Posterior Fornix is located immediately behind the cervix. Note that both fornices are located further inside the vagina than the G-spot. Look at the following diagram showing the G-spot. Although they are not labeled, pay attention to the location of the fornices.
Note that the bladder is directly in front of the G-spot and is in close proximity to the Anterior Fornix. As a result, direct stimulation of these areas will put pressure against the bladder. If a woman does not have an empty bladder, she may feel some discomfort if you try to stimulate these areas. Be mindful of this.
STIMULATING THE ANTERIOR FORNIX
Stimulation of the Anterior Fornix provides indirect stimulation of the G-spot. Just like some women do not like direct clitoral stimulation immediately, the same goes for the G-spot. This is why many couples who rush into G-spot exploration struggle to enjoy it. You have to take it slow, and let arousal happen naturally. For women who do not like direct stimulation of the G-spot at all, you may find that they really enjoy stimulation of the Anterior Fornix area.
Using one to two fingers, massage from the beginning of the Anterior Fornix down towards the G-spot. Doing this will indirectly stimulate the G-spot, which will awaken that area for more direct stimulation later. If you want, you can use the same “come here” motion that is often suggested for the G-spot. When you curl your fingers, stop before getting to the G-spot as you are trying to indirectly stimulate this area. Start slow and build up to stronger stimulation. Try to practice this together for 15 to 20 minutes with the only goal being relaxation and pleasure. Remember, without proper lubrication, you will be unable to stimulate this area for a significant length of time without causing pain or discomfort.
Make sure you pay attention to what is happening with her body. You should notice multiple changes. Internally, her G-spot will swell, her anterior wall will start to balloon, and her cervix will soften and lengthen. Externally, her labia and vulva will swell (and may change color), her clitoris will engorge and may protrude from the clitoral hood, her skin may become flushed, and her breathing will likely change. With practice, you will understand what these changes mean in regard to her state of arousal.
BENEFITS OF INTERNAL ANTERIOR FORNIX MASSAGE
There are several benefits of internal massage in this fashion. You are stimulating a deeper spot inside of the female anatomy that is often neglected. Massaging this area helps to exercise the tissue and muscles in a way that brings more blood flow to the genitals. More blood flow and increased circulation will equal greater arousal. This also awakens and prepares the G-spot for direct stimulation. From there, you can indirectly stimulate the clitoris, and then directly stimulate the clitoris while continuing to switch between the Anterior Fornix and G-spot.
Also, while many women kegel, many forget the importance of relaxing the muscles inside their bodies. As a result, they might hold tension and stress in those areas, and this prevents proper blood circulation. Women who do not kegel may have muscles that have weakened, which also can result in poor circulation. Properly massaging the Anterior Fornix down towards the G-spot will allow for relaxation, better blood flow to the genitals, and will stimulate and help strengthen a woman’s internal muscles in a different way. This builds sexual health and wellness while partners begin sharing more powerful sexual experiences.
USING AND CHOOSING LUBRICATION
A common mistake made when attempting internal stimulation is not using lubrication. While women tend to understand the necessity of lubrication, the male ego seems a bit fragile, and men wrongly assume they are somehow less competent if lubrication is needed. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, if you are massaging your partner externally or internally and not using proper lubrication, the quality of what you can achieve before causing pain and discomfort is low.
When choosing proper lubrication, consider what you are trying to accomplish. TRUST is kosher, vegan, and edible, making it suitable for a wide variety of intimate activity. TRUST won’t negatively impact a woman’s pH, complements her natural lubrication, and can be absorbed into the skin, which results in less cleanup. It was created specifically for full body and internal massage.
The standard warnings found in our FAQs still apply. Couples who are fluid bonded or wear polyurethane condoms can use TRUST safely, but those who wear latex should consider a lubricant such as Astroglide for internal massage. The downside of other lubricants are that they probably contain petrochemicals or glycerin. Also, many other lubricants act as a substitute for a woman’s natural lubrication instead of complementing it. This greatly alters the experience for both individuals, making the sensations more artificial.
A FEW WARNINGS
1.Trim your fingernails, and wash your hands. One of the easiest ways to ruin the experience is to have long or unclean nails.
2.Start with a massage, and consider massaging the entire body before attempting any form of internal massage.
3.Get to know your partner’s body during the massage. Remember, this builds oxytocins and other body chemicals, resulting in a more powerful shared experience.
4.Massage slowly, be gentle, and communicate during the experience. If pain or discomfort arises, stop what you are doing.
5.Unless you really know your partner’s body, do not try and stimulate her cervix. While some women love to have this area stimulated, it is highly sensitive. Massaging this area can create pain, discomfort, or more serious problems.
Daddy Explains The Difference Between pussy and cunt to Johnny..
little johnny asks his dad "dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
"come upstairs son and i'll show you." his father replies.
they get upstairs into dad's room and there is johnny's mother lying naked asleep on the bed.
"see that thing between your mother's legs son? thats a pussy." "i can't see dad,it's too dark.can i turn on the
light?" asks johnny. "no son, you"ll wake the cunt up!" says his dad.
Monday, January 20, 2014
New Rules As A Result Of the new law banning same sex relationships(A MUST READ)
Dear female friends, (cos I can no longer address you as girl friends)
Due to the new law banning same sex relationships, please note that I shall no longer:
1. Address U as dearie, Boo, sweetie, babes, etc. These names may be misconstrued by some over-zealous law enforcement people. Henceforth I shall address you by name *Kate, Ketrah, Sandra, Stephanie, Hope, Dolly, Dooshima, Judith, Wunmi etc*
2. I shall no longer hug, blow kisses or hold hands with you. Only handshakes and eyebrow wiggles are allowed. I shall cease sending you smileys like *hearts, hugs, kisses*. Do not send them to me either or I shall delete U from my list to guarantee my continued freedom.
3. Dancing together at parties is now forbidden. If we see in a public place, don't wave excitedly at me. A queen Elizabeth sad wave will do. Anything beyond this, I ll ignore you.
4. If you must express your love for me, please add agape at the end. I am writing this cos I love U all AGAPELY and wouldn't want to end up in the women's section at Kirikiri.
5. It's dangerous for us to share bathrooms now. Please wait until am through or bath elsewhere. Girls night out and sleepovers are banned. Please stay in Ur house so we can have our liberty. If U must visit me, plz bring ur mattress and room dividers.
6. No more lifts. Endure the sun or buy your car.
You understand, don't you? Fourteen years imprisonment is a long time and I am not MANDELA.
By: Sevilcoz Patrick
Due to the new law banning same sex relationships, please note that I shall no longer:
1. Address U as dearie, Boo, sweetie, babes, etc. These names may be misconstrued by some over-zealous law enforcement people. Henceforth I shall address you by name *Kate, Ketrah, Sandra, Stephanie, Hope, Dolly, Dooshima, Judith, Wunmi etc*
2. I shall no longer hug, blow kisses or hold hands with you. Only handshakes and eyebrow wiggles are allowed. I shall cease sending you smileys like *hearts, hugs, kisses*. Do not send them to me either or I shall delete U from my list to guarantee my continued freedom.
3. Dancing together at parties is now forbidden. If we see in a public place, don't wave excitedly at me. A queen Elizabeth sad wave will do. Anything beyond this, I ll ignore you.
4. If you must express your love for me, please add agape at the end. I am writing this cos I love U all AGAPELY and wouldn't want to end up in the women's section at Kirikiri.
5. It's dangerous for us to share bathrooms now. Please wait until am through or bath elsewhere. Girls night out and sleepovers are banned. Please stay in Ur house so we can have our liberty. If U must visit me, plz bring ur mattress and room dividers.
6. No more lifts. Endure the sun or buy your car.
You understand, don't you? Fourteen years imprisonment is a long time and I am not MANDELA.
By: Sevilcoz Patrick
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Johnny's Dad Explains to him the Difference Between REALISTICALLY AND POTENTIALLY
Little Johnny came home from school and was doing his homework, he looked frustrated and his father
asked if he needed any help, Little Johnny replied yes! I need to find the difference between realistically and
potentially. His father told him to go and ask his mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a
million bucks. Johnny asked and his mom said she would. Johnny ran to his father yelling she said she would
dad! His father said ok, now, go ask your sister the same thing, Johnny asked and told his dad she would too.
Johnny's dad replied, ok, now potentially, we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but realistically, we are just
living with a couple of whores.
asked if he needed any help, Little Johnny replied yes! I need to find the difference between realistically and
potentially. His father told him to go and ask his mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a
million bucks. Johnny asked and his mom said she would. Johnny ran to his father yelling she said she would
dad! His father said ok, now, go ask your sister the same thing, Johnny asked and told his dad she would too.
Johnny's dad replied, ok, now potentially, we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but realistically, we are just
living with a couple of whores.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself
What He Really Means when he's Talking
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you
going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress
and let's go!
What a Woman Really Means when she is talking, Learn from this:
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of
PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new
furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going
to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
Where have you been?
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he
walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a
nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They
have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up
in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got
any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he
proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went
to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the
bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there
and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in
bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands
are covered with powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"
Who Runs the Human Body?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste
away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.
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