He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

this is the reason why he masturbated while trying to explain something to a deaf man

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......'

so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before....

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.

 So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.

Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new action. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. 

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!" 

A MUST SEE:How to please your Man If you are in a long distance relationship

Lmaooooo.... if ladies can do this, then we the men will definitely not cheat.

TRUE OR FALSE????

YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR TEN DOLLARS?!?

Such a Proposition The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?" In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!" The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss." In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door. Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements." The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

Super Model Crash

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a
super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane
announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to
make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position
immediately!" 

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia
pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered,
Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your
make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" 

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search
for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which
is why I am putting on my make-up." 

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of
flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, 

Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are
you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the
rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts
-- which is why I am exposing my tits!" 

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
"Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for
everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first
thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them...

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the

 amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. 

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" 

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." 

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She 

said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." 

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with...

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a
tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in
relief..... "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive,
but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!" 

Test of Wills: women are heartless sha

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists:
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair." 

The Bravest Soldier

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a 

third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral
about whose soldiers were the bravest. 

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman:
"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild
Blue Yonder', and then jump off!" 

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a
shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting
the ground at attention. 

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears,
"YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that
flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms,
and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the
weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!" replies the private. 

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale
that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National
Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!" 

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only
one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of
Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, 
"FUCK
YOU SIR!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!" 

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten get any shoes.

Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight!"

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one."

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination--Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class: "Why is it that during childhood,
gals tend to grow taller than guys?"

A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that weighs them down."

Teacher: "Then why is it that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"

Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the 
boys' "balls"

Teacher FAINTED

most men are dominated by their women. this is why...

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their
women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated
their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,
one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."